la la lost

i’ve been writing this post in my head for months now, contemplating what to put here, how much to share. been writing on the internet sporadically for a while now, but it still puzzles me— the desire to be known, yet wanting to maintain some amount of mystique, but never feeling known. the modern human condition? (god, i'm so dramatic.)

i feel so fragile and scared and silly these days. 25 feels so desperately young, so strangely old. i don't know how to stop projecting my ideas of right onto others, don't know how to stop projecting the ideas of others onto my own life. i feel like i fixate too easily on a person, an experiment, an anxiety, something you said to me too long ago.

thought i was treading water
but then i almost drowned
ego is too expanded
but i forget myself
locked eyes with a dragon
friend or foe, can’t say
thought i could trust my judgment
but i’ve got doubts these days
push it all away
for another day
find another sweet distraction
i thought i was lost
dizzy from the turns
turns out i’m just transfigurating

i haven't been writing here, but i have been writing in my journal consistently ish since starting grad school. i wonder how i'll feel when i reread these entries in years to come. my life doesn't look how i expected it to. makes me wonder how my life will look ten years from today.

i've also been writing songs, something i never thought i could do; now i don't know how to process without writing like this.

i need to start regularly writing here again, otherwise i just spout off into vague musings every time i come back here. perhaps i will start walking around la more regularly.

overheard on a hike