contemplating

i’m thinking of starting writing again, writing here, writing to the ether— because i’ve been feeling rather lost, and perhaps i will be less so if i am thinking more deeply, more often, as i feel i was when i was walking. i was walking around my neighborhood in pasadena, and i remembered and likely romanticized my days walking in manhattan. it feels now to have been a period of exponential growth, of exploration, of happiness— even if i know my mind is playing tricks on me somewhat. yet the consistent walking was good, good for the body and the mind.

i repeat myself and i hear myself writing in circles. do i remember how to write like this? where do i even begin and what do i want to say? do i recount the past more than a year in grad school and how science has become my life but not but it is hard but sometimes awe-ing and how the people here have become the people in my life but i miss my friends from new york and is it always meeting new friends new people forever and ever?

do i tell you that i stayed in bed for embarrassingly long the other day, that i was paralyzed by the daily tasks the daily work the things that aren’t supposed to be this hard? do i tell you that adulthood is weird but my conversations with other adults remind me that it’s not so weird after all, that what i think is unique to grad school is really just a part of growing up? do i tell you how my life has changed, how i no longer believe in god, how i’m content with that, how i’ve become friends with people who i would not have once upon a time, how i’m grateful for that?

i need to clean my room.