beaudry loop

6.01 miles

i listened to How to Fall (and Stay) in Love on my hike today, because yesterday was valentine’s day. i had never heard the essay behind the 36 questions that lead to love, twas quite a sweet listen.

the surreal and unreliable lens of retrospect

to know someone is to be known

the excitement of getting to know someone

the chance to love someone greatly and to be loved greatly back

i knew then that i loved him and that life was going to be interesting

pterodactyls in my stomach

a man running behind me shouted good morning at me from a couple hundred feet back, he told me he didn’t want to scare me. i had my headphones in and had been stretching mindlessly. it was a sweet juxtaposition to the suspicious man whom i met my last time in these hills. reminded to trust my gut.

listening to something while i walked took me out of myself, my mind has been too absorbed in work and writing (not this writing) and gossip and people and feelings and instincts, and again,

it was sweet to listen to stories of falling in love.

there were still a lot of bikers and some more social groups of women chatting and all of these things are okay but they made me feel less alone than i am accustomed to on a hike, and it made me miss my eaton canyon hiking paths. it made me miss my new york walks, where i’d cross paths with hundreds (thousands?) of people and yet where i felt more alone. aloneness feels less lonely these days, feels restful.

perhaps because friendships have also felt intentional, fulfilling.

i’ve been watching insecure, been feeling insecure, been feeling out of control and confused as to what i want and what i am wanted for, i feel 25 and i feel i am moving forward but it is all i expected (my closet makes me happy) and none of what i yet understand (relationships are hard).

i keep staying up too late, i keep spending too much time on my phone, i keep spiraling,

these days are pretty damn good.